Please don’t go

So many people think living isn’t worth it in the end. Everyday has a challenge, whether it’s confronting someone, a test, work, getting up early, or sometimes getting up at all. Our world has so many problems, everyone has so many problems. Sometimes it feels like you never get a break. ” Why should I keep going if all I feel is pain? Everything in life just goes to shit. I’m always messing up, why even try? Why continue?”

Sometimes our hate for things around us turns into hate for ourselves. We look around and see everyone else living with problems happily. They have friends, dreams, hope, aspirations. You compare them to yourself, someone who has no idea where they’re going or what they want to do. “I don’t even know what to do with my life right now…”

It gets worse, the comparison. You notice everyone else more and more until you only have yourself to look at. What you see is worthless, you’re not talented, nor special, just normal, below normal, what’s wrong with you? 

“What’s wrong with me?”

You hate it, you hate yourself. You wish you were better, you wish you were special, you wish you could stop messing up, all you want is to feel okay again. It’s not just the comparison, it’s the mallet you bring down on yourself. Nothing is enough for you and when nothing is enough you don’t want to do anything anymore. Why should you? 

“It’s not worth it” 

You become used to this state of numbness. You don’t care about anything. Nothing is worth caring about. Life feels grey, it isn’t bad when you’re not thinking about it, it’s just empty. It’s empty until midnight. You’re still awake, you can’t sleep, when you try to sleep you stare at the dark abise around you thinking. You lay there thinking for hours until you think so much you make yourself cry. 

“It’s so quiet at night” 

Telling someone doesn’t help either. Everyone’s response is the same. They all try to comfort you yet you feel no warmth. They’re trying their best but you can’t hear them, their words are muted. Still, you try to hear them to give you any form of comfort. You’re trying so hard. Why can’t you hear them? 

“Life is amazing, it gets better I promise” 

Those words, the same talk about there being something more, how do they know? How are they happy right now without those things and I’m not? I’m angry, I’m upset, I’m nothing. Why am I nothing? 

“I should just disappear”

Stop. Those thoughts, those actions, those sleepless nights, it’s normal I promise. All of this is so much more common than you realize. I know you can’t see your value right now but I value you. It’s not about the future, it’s not about the past, it’s about right now. Right now I want you to look at me and promise not to make any rash decisions. Life is always going to be imperfect and there are always going to be problems in your path but that’s part of the journey. I know you’ve heard it all before, I know it all sounds the same, naive thinking, I just wish I could make you understand those words the same way I do. All of this is so different to me than it is to you but you’re so special in my eyes. The way you see me is how I see you. Words don’t have the ability to heal you, I don’t know how I can use them to help you feel what I feel but I’m trying. 

Just please don’t go.