I need to be tired

I’m always tired.

My eyes strained with webs

Of red stretched along them. Days and days of 

writing then reading then problem solving. Hours pass me by

As I become a hopeless, sleepless zombie to the

Screen of my computer.

“Get your work done”

“Don’t forget tomorrow you have to do this”

“Don’t sleep”

I work and I work and I’ll take on more work 

Because I have to be doing something. There’s always something more 

I could be doing. I should be tired, I should drain myself, because

If I’m not on the verge of passing out, then I’m 

Not doing enough.

To relax I need to be desperate or ashamed

Because there’s still more I could do. There’s always more. 

Where will I be in 10 years? Am I 

Still stuck in this space of “not enough” and “never satisfied”?

PLease tell me I’m better, tell me I’m okay.

I need to know this is all worth it.

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Published by Jessie

3 Comments

  1. Ada Simone's avatar Ada Simone says:
    October 9, 2022 at 5:23 pm

    Ahhh I feel this. It’s so hard to train your brain to view rest as necessary, not shameful.

    You’re enough, no matter how you accomplish. ♥️

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    1. Jessie's avatar Jessie says:
      October 9, 2022 at 7:30 pm

      Thank you🖤

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  2. Dr. Gunn Vesta's avatar Dr. Gunn Vesta says:
    October 15, 2022 at 5:33 am

    I felt this on a different level this week. I want to start by saying I’m not you but I am a future me. 😉 And I’m about 6 years off from 10 years. However, from a fellow person who chronically feels not good enough, it does shift.

    I still can’t trust sitting still very well but I choose what stresses me out and say goodbye to what I can. And that’s where I’ve started finding satisfaction. I keep a pad of sticky notes next to my bed where I write everything I “should” be doing and you run out of paper sooner than you would think. Achievement based self-worth isn’t great, but looking for achievement in genuine kindness is slightly better. Selfish kindness > self loathing. The part about progress people need to talk about more is it’s not one step at a time, it’s pre-toddler walking where you fall repeatedly and try doing stairs way too early. Progress is supposed to have low points and hurt sometimes. The goal isn’t to run, the goal is to fall down less and keep moving. You’re little self learned how to read and that level of pattern recognition is a hefty course load. So is learning to be enough for yourself. And you don’t have the advantage of the amount of firing neurons a little person has.

    Hopefully me time traveling to a younger self finds a way to apply to you. 😉 Sorry this turned out so long.

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