you

I don’t hate you

You weren’t terrible

You weren’t abusive

You aren’t a bad person 

You’re nothing 

We had nothing 

We were nothing

There was never romance, there were never hugs, never kisses, 

nothing was ever done.

I never felt your hand or shared my thoughts because whenever I tried you backed me off. 

I never felt happy, only alone. I wanted something but you’re nothing at all. 

I ended things for many reasons, you were unkind, uncaring, did I mean nothing to you?

I tried to speak but was silenced by your indifference 

I tried to touch you but you ran away

I wanted to spend time with you but you were always busy.

I told you how great you were, how smart and amazing to be able to go through the conflicts that you have. 

You tell me i’m dumb

You tell me i’m lazy

You always complain that i’m too egotistical 

You never listen to what I’m trying to say 

You make me feel miserable and like everything’s my fault 

All i want is a break can’t you even give me that?

Everyone has expectations of me I thought you would be different 

Why do you get mad at me? Why do I have to feel bad? Why is it always my fault? 

Shouldn’t I feel justified whenever I leave you? Shouldn’t I feel good about degrading your accomplishments? 

Shouldn’t I be allowed to hate you? 

Why do I still try so hard not to upset you? Don’t I deserve to hurt you? I want you to feel pain but anytime I cause it I make it go away. I don’t know which is right, am I being a bigger person or someone who’s naive?

You’re my best friend and I would never want to cause you pain. 

I don’t get why you don’t feel the same.

I knew this would be difficult 

I knew this would be hard

I knew things could get complicated with how cynical you are. 

I believed we would work out and even if we didn’t that there’d be memories I could treasure.

All I’ve ever wanted is for someone to care and to show it. 

I’m sorry this is dramatic but I never get to speak

All my words are hidden underneath 

You say i’m loud so why does it feel so foreign when I finally get to scream?

Why do I shake when I speak openly about anything?

Why can’t I talk about certain things?

Why do I cry until I’m shaking 

Why don’t I ever say a word?

But you don’t care

You don’t want to listen

I have so much to say but you’ll never listen.

You’re weak 

You’re dumb

You’re horrible

But you never could’ve known.

I didn’t voice my problems, I didn’t push them enough, I should’ve sat you down and told you everything whether you liked it or not. I should’ve told you I needed you to listen. You never knew how important that was for me.

I’m weak

I’m dumb

I’m horrible

I know those things are true to a point 

I hate it, but I accept it.

I know I’m not all bad and neither are you 

I just wish this grudge and sadness would let go

I don’t think about us very often and my heart doesn’t sting but I’ll always still have those painful memories

Every Time you annoy me whether so small or so big I can’t help but recall all the bad that we had

You weren’t ready for a relationship, that, I can understand but, I wish you still tried so I wouldn’t be so unsatisfied

All I ever wanted was someone who cared

Someone who showed it and helped when I’m scared 

Someone who supported me that I could help grow 

It wouldn’t have to last forever until death 

All that I want is a partner and a friend.