Mature

A lot of people call me immature. They say that because I’m not too great at school. I socialize and just don’t stop talking. I can be very distracting in ways not helpful and for some not wanted when the teacher looks over our way. I’m shameless and could care less but others not so much I suppose. I’m loud. I laugh loud, talk loud, and make dumb noises loud. Because of it all I don’t pay attention too much. I usually end up lost in assignments and worry about tests cause most of the time I was just chatting away. 

Some call me immature because I like kid things. I still love stuffed animals. I only really watch cartoons because they’re short and sweet. I love video games but only play nintendo. Animal crossing is my jam and mario games are always welcome. I still watch the pokemon cartoon even though it’s been years. I absolutely adore Hello kitty. And  I’m excited about the second sonic movie coming out. I even made my boyfriend promise he’d come with me. 

For others it’s my gestures and ways of mannerism. I do random dances in public, get excited over the smallest things, and take small wins to my ego. 

But you know I like those things and act that way because I didn’t appreciate it as a child. When I was younger I never let myself be a kid. I wanted so badly to grow up. I never wanted an adult to talk to me like a five year old even when I was one. I wanted to do things right, go to school, and be successful. If I failed I was worthless. I needed to be helpful. But that kind of thinking only led me astray. I overthought every little thing. Suddenly I couldn’t figure anything out. I had made a bar so high for myself I felt like I could never achieve anything. I was so young yet I was more stressed then I have ever been in my life. I wanted so badly to be something important I ended up driving myself insane, crying every day in my classroom. All I wanted was to be good enough, but that was something I was never going to allow myself. In my eyes I would never be good enough because I was never perfect. 

I still struggle with these thoughts shadowing behind my brain but I’ve gotten so much better. I’m not perfect but at least I’ve learned to enjoy myself. I remember in middle school I was dressing like a grade schooler one day and a 40 year old business lady the next. Now I wear what I want no matter how ridiculous some may think it looks because you can get away with that as a teen. There will be plenty of time for me to look elegant when I’m older. Right now I just want to enjoy what I have. So maybe talking all the time isn’t a great thing but at least I’m finally speaking. People know my name, I’m not just the “weird girl”. I’m a friend to people who enjoy my company. I make people laugh. And sure I still watch cartoons but they’re easy to multitask while watching. They’re not a time commitment like the serious shows. Cartoons are comforting, easy, and loveable. It’s the same with video games. I like things that de stress. You can’t blame me for that. 

So you might call me immature but I’m doing my best to figure things out. Adults sure seem to think I’m mature so maybe that’s a start. I’ll figure things out but for now just trust me. 

I’ll find a balance.